In a previous post, I talked about second chances.  I talked about the fact that I had allowed myself to be a certain way, and to let fear of judgement define me. It was such a rampant issue in my life. I literally second guessed everything I did and said because of what I though people's perceptions of me would be.  It was such a terrible way of living. I had such terrible confidence in myself, and as an after effect, I became pretty shy, especially when meeting new people in large groups.

My good friends back home will be the first people to tell you that I'm truly not shy in any way, shape, or form. I'm loud, I'm absolutely crazy, and if I know you love me unconditionally for who I am, than I have absolutely no problem with self-deprecating humor, and throwing myself under the bus if it will brighten your day. But, any confidence that I have amongst other people, for the most part, was a facade.  I was so unhappy with myself, and was disappointed by how often fear and perceived judgement that passed through my head would bring me to a very low, dark place. I wouldn't speak, wouldn't mingle, wouldn't crack jokes, wouldn't go out of my way to make conversation, simply because I had it in my head that these new people didn't know me, so therefore they would judge me.  I had it in my head ahead of time that I would be awkward, make a fool of myself, or they just wouldn't understand me.  And guess what! In every interaction where I went into it thinking that, I was awkward! I was shy! I did make a fool of myself!

These past few weeks, I have come to learn how different people's perception is of me here in my new home.  One of my friends from lab describes me as "a little much at first" (in a good way - promise!), and told me today "I don't believe that you could ever be shy!"  Another one of my friends, easily my best friend in town, told me yesterday before I went to a concert by myself, "if anyone can make friends at a concert it's Ellyn!"  No one has ever said anything remotely like this to me in my entire life!!  So what changed??

It's really easy. I mentioned it before in that previous post.  I made the conscious decision when I came out here that I would not do that anymore. I would not be shy. I would not let myself feel judged. I would not second guess everything I did, said, or thought. Simply these conscious choices have worked wonders for me. But, more so than that - I came to the realization that if the only way I can make friends is by not being myself, I don't want those friends anyway!  If people don't want to be around me, that's fine! If I try to strike up conversation with someone and they don't want to hear it - oh well! Time to go seek out someone who does want to chat!

I went to a concert last night, like I mentioned, and all of my friends had to bail. It was one of my favorite artists, so I went by myself.  I got in line in front of the venue, and thought about chatting with the gals in front of me, but they seemed very absorbed in their conversation. Then these two girls ran up in the rain and stood behind me. They were bubbly, energetic, and really excited about the concert. So, I started chatting with them about the act, if they'd ever seen him before etc. Why not, right?? When it came up that I was at the concert by myself, they very enthusiastically said that I should hang out with them!  So that's what I did! I made friends with these two random, fantastic girls, and we hung out all night, cracked jokes, weasled our way into the very front row, took pictures, sang along, danced, and had a fantastic time! All the way until the end of the concert, where we exchanged names so we could find eachother on facebook and send pictures/videos! It was one of the most fun nights I have had since I've been here! It's all because I made the choice to be ballsy and just go for it, with the attitude of why not?!

Positive personal changes come slowly in life. I'm finding that.  Almost a year ago now, I wrote the following in my journal after a conversation with a friend:

I think that that's all I want out of people--honesty. I want to know that their getting something out of their relationship with me...something positive. And I want to feel the same. If we're not getting that out of our relationship/friendship, than what's the point? If it's not a good relationship or friendship, recognize that, wish each other well, and move on. There's no point forcing any relationship. Every person should only fill their life with good. The bad will come and go. But we all deserve the best, and we should recognize the people that give us that, thank them for it, and hold onto them tightly. That's all that matters.

P.S. There are too many people in the world to surround ourselves with the people that won't see what we have to offer. I'm going to find those people that appreciate my quirks and faults as much as they appreciate my talents.

It's taken me a full year to finally start applying this concept even just a little to my life, and it's working wonders! So, take the jump. Commit to making a big personal change! Something that you've always wanted to change about yourself, and just go for it! You'll trip up, ya, but positive changes can happen and I hope you all are willing to give it a shot!