Today in Immunology, by far my favorite class of the semester and the one that I'm the best at (remarkable how often those two things coincide), we had a paper discussion. She told us before the discussion that we shouldn't focus on two of the figures. So I followed her directions. I skimmed them - but could I explain them? No.

So, of course during my paper discussoin today, I was assigned to discuss and explain a figure that I a) hadn't really learned, and b) didn't understand. So, I admitted it, and asked someone else in my group to take over. It was the first time during a paper discussion that I hadn't aced the figure that I was assigned. Not gonna lie - it kinda wounded my pride a little bit. Haven't we established that I don't like failing? So, my other group member took over, explained the figure, and they asked me to summarize the paper using a flow chart that the teacher had created. After the fact, everyone said that I definitely got the hard part of the paper and that I did well. I was still a little pissed at myself for botching my figure explanation so badly. I certainly didn't think I redeemed myself by essentially interpreting a signalling pathway flow chart in front of the class, but they seemed to think so.

I learned a couple things today. 

1) I don't understand this stuff as well as I thought and I need to spend more time learning it before the discussion.  I also still don't understand some of these things and I need to take advantage of my professor's office hours a little more. 

2) People don't judge you when you fail. You know how we talked about the kind of person I used to be - very defined by my perceptions of other people's judgements? People don't do that. The people in my group realized that I wasn't very happy about the figure that I assigned, or my ability to interpret that figure, and they went out of their way to build me back up. People are, in general, inherently good.

Failing can be a good thing if it teaches you valuable lessons.  I'm definitely learning that. I never thought I was all knowing in the grand scheme of graduate school. I might pretend that I am in some aspects.  But, I know I'm not. I know I'm probably not the smartest person in any of my classes, or the best at any of these subjects, but I'll try my hardest to at least be able to contribute. It sucks when I don't live up to that.

On a happy note my cultures are finally starting to recover enough that I'm not leaving them in shambles for whoever takes them over after I leave my rotation!  A little dismayed to leave the lab I'm in now, but I'm also really excited for the next rotation! I really feel like I'll be tested in this next lab, and I'm not gonna lie - I'm really excited for the challenge! Bring it!