"Impostor Syndrome" - My thoughts and experience...
I mentioned in another post
Let me tell you my story...
I've never been the most confident of people. If you know anything about my blog, are familiar at all with my story, you'll know that I have never considered myself a confident person. I have seen phenomenal improvement in the last year, but still, my confidence is my biggest area that I work on. And there's nothing in my life that I'm as insecure about as my...
Career and academic confidence.
Not what you were expecting huh? You were likely expecting something along the lines of my weight or my body. And yes, that's a confidence issue for me too. But if there's one place that has cause a consistent issue in my life, especially in the past year, it's been feeling confident about my intelligence and my sense of belonging in graduate school.
I often say and feel like I don't belong in grad school, and that everyone else is so much smarter than me. Though I manifest that fear a bit more internally. Nerves are usually manifested in a fear of public speaking, but I actually have no problem with public speaking. Chalk it up to YEARS of performing solos in choir and musical theater in high school. It's those one on one discussion that I really fear. My fall back is always humor. As a result of my own self-consciousness and doubt, I quickly molded myself into the self-proclaimed class clown. I hid my discomfort behind jokes and self-deprecating humor.
I did not go to a "big name" school in science. My alma mater did not have a traditionally high ranking science program, and though I do think there were numerous strengths to the program at my undergraduate institution--namely hands on experience--but there were also disadvantages. At many times during my first year of graduate school, I felt inept and self-conscious about my scientific intellect. In classes where discussion was the primary part of the course, I would find myself willing fading into the background, while knowing that my grade may well suffer. Thus, I tried to contribute in straightforward ways that I thought to be easy. That was all I felt I could do.
During my first semester, I expressed these doubts to my program director. She kept telling everyone that these feelings of being an imposter would pass, but for me they never did. I got concerned and I voiced those concerns to her. And do you know what she told me--"We accepted you for a reason! We accepted you because we know you can do it. You just need to believe it."
I tried. I really tried. I actually did really well during my second semester. I made a New Years resolution, and as you know I have been much more diligent at keeping those resolutions, that I would not be so hard on myself. That I would have a little more faith. I kept that promise during my second semester. I worked hard in classes and didn't stress about grades at the end of the semester. And everything worked out. Though that new-found faith that everything would work out didn't last long.
I just took my preliminary exam that is important for my proceeding on in the PhD program at my university. This was by far the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced. I was meant to stand in front of 3 professors and discuss three papers, each from the field of microbial pathogenesis--one on virology, one bacteriology, and one immunology. I had to stand in front of them, doing a chalk talk on the board, while they asked me questions about anything and everything pertaining to these 3 papers. If I made a conclusion or a claim, I had to defend it. Afterward, I just KNEW that I'd failed. I KNEW that I wouldn't pass, and that all my joking about needing to find a backup career would come true.
I just took my preliminary exam that is important for my proceeding on in the PhD program at my university. This was by far the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced. I was meant to stand in front of 3 professors and discuss three papers, each from the field of microbial pathogenesis--one on virology, one bacteriology, and one immunology. I had to stand in front of them, doing a chalk talk on the board, while they asked me questions about anything and everything pertaining to these 3 papers. If I made a conclusion or a claim, I had to defend it. Afterward, I just KNEW that I'd failed. I KNEW that I wouldn't pass, and that all my joking about needing to find a backup career would come true.
And you know what?
I passed.
I do belong here.
Despite all my doubts, I have passed every test that have been laid in front of me.
So why am I telling you all this? I'm telling you this because despite buying into my own doubts, and legitimatley believing that I would fail, I haven't. Despite still dealing with those doubts, I am still thriving. I am telling you this because everyone, literally EVERYONE in graduate school, has these feelings. Everyone feels like they don't belong.
You just need to continue trying. You have to continue persevering. You have to continue putting in your best effort. You have to believe that you're good enough. You have to believe that you were accepted for a reason and that you deserve to be in the halls you walk through. You have to learn to believe that you're not an imposter.
Until next time,
Additional Resources:
http://sciencecareers.sciencemag.org/career_magazine/previous_issues/articles/2014_05_20/caredit.a1400126
http://sciencecareers.sciencemag.org/career_magazine/previous_issues/articles/2014_05_20/caredit.a1400126
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